I was raised by wolves
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| Life was pretty much ALWAYS LIKE THIS. I'm the one on the right. |
Here's the thing. I was raised by wolves - aka, men. Rather, a single father, which is fairly rare in the world I think, so I'm proud he managed to get me through in one piece. In particular, I'm grateful for the male point of view my father gave me, although admittedly it's a heavily narrow lens and I don't think all men are like my father.
So you know the wolf thing. Ultimate playground for domination tactics, right? Effectively I had an alpha male to contend with, but, after reading all the paranormal/werewolf romance novels and erotica on hand I can most assuredly tell you that I am fully versed in the ways of wolf culture, and that I now know all.
Just kidding. But in evaluating the alpha/sub dynamic in animals and humans over time, I have come to this conclusion: I was submissive in my pack only because my alpha was in charge of finances, and putting a roof over my head, and social rules said he was the Boss, because he was my father. Inherently, I chafed at this. On the one hand, I sought the care and emotional support and guidance one would normally seek from a person of power and position. I received none of these things (alas, which is why I hope most men are NOT like my father), but instead what I got was a LOT of control and domination, of mind, body, and emotion. Obviously this was my father, so NONE of this was sexual, I'm speaking of the domination role of parent/child, and THEN ... (our main topic), also of the language of domination that creeps up in any relationship between male/female, regardless of whether there is a romantic relationship or not.
When a sub becomes alpha
In my situation, it was just me and dad, and dad, ironically, raised me to be very much like him - an alpha male. When I look at the other men - and women - in my family, we all have very clear signals that we're alphas - and we do not play well together. The only people who play well together are my dad and his two brothers - they grew up in a pack litter together, you could say. Their pecking order is very, very clear. There is the eldest, the middle, the youngest, and they behave as you would expect that hierarchy to behave with one another. As a mini pack, though, they are loud and obnoxious and cocky and kings of the world, and everyone else needs to move out of the way and cater to them and their fun.
As a teen, I chafed at seeing the men behave this way, expecting the women to defer. There were lots of dominance challenges from me to my dad. At the same time - in a weird way, I was daddy's girl, because I was his only girl. Sure, he had lovers and girlfriends and whatnot, but dad was also a player, and I was, in a weird frustrating way, his wife. I cooked, I cleaned, I was around for him to nag and bug and scold and discipline - I was the only female consistently in his life for a long time. And I wanted something else, entirely.
My father grew up in the American South - they expect these roles. The girl should cook and clean and be eager to do laundry, make the bed, and be gentle and fair, and demur and always defer to her male betters. They expect us women to follow those gender roles. But I saw no such example in my own immediate parenting, because all there was was a dad, no mom/dad roles to follow. I could make up the rules entirely. Who said I had to be their definition of a girl? If my DAD could go off and be cocky and loud, and state his mind, and be demanding, and drink and party, and be beholden to no one - then why couldn't I? Why should it matter if I was a girl?
Submissive? Ba! And when I turned 18, off I went to be my own alpha.
What I seek: Correction of bad behavior
Here's what I have discovered over time - men's egos are as delicate as any woman's. There is no gender, really, when it comes to the inner essence of love and desire, and power can be exchanged non-romantically, in any situation. Power is a fact of life - we need it and use it at various times, and sometimes we fall victim to someone else's, and sometimes we deliberately choose to defer to someone else's power.
I will not lie, I have had my own tangles with seeking a dominant male who knows how to handle me, because, in that wicked complex way, our youth shapes us, and yes, I had a dominant male father.
But I also have the flip side of that coin - a part of me that wants to put a man in his place when I see him misbehave, and particularly to right him on his path when he seems lost. Many women do, dominant or submissive or not, since we are commonly reared early to be caretakers, to fix and correct, and save our children, lovers, family. But some of us have a special talent or craving for it, and some of us find that that craving can align with our sexual desires.
What he seeks: Surrender to maternal safety
In mother's boudoir, all is dark and safe and loving. The whole oedipal thing has been discussed plenty, and of course I gave you a glimpse of the elektra aspect above, but aside from all that, we are looking at the heterosexual male/female power exchange in discipline and dominance/submission and how very fulfilling it can be for both partners.
@PaddledHusband began with spanking but always secretly craved more. And his loving wife enjoyed spanking him very much, and has also lived part of her life as a sub. She has graduated to being his Mistress, and there is a deep beauty in reading their story on @PaddledHusband's blog.
What I find so beautiful in this story - and attractive - is that the man knows he needs discipline. Just like a child, he struggles and chafes, talks back and misbehaves. He's in effect being a bad little boy who doesn't want to trust his woman knows best. Only one woman ever knew best, and deep down, he is always seeking a woman to match THAT one (mommy). Who can take him in hand, and be guaranteed to get proper results? (no pun intended)
And of course, the man can't simply lay back and just hope some woman comes along and corrects him. He must seek and court her, and lay himself down for her, and she may or may not choose him, but should she, he must surrender completely to realize the full benefits of that loving, delicious, guaranteed safety. In her care, he will want, but only in that the wanting should be better for him, at the pleasure of his Mistress.
In this modern age, these lines do get blurred. I'm not saying I want a return to misogyny or sexism, I'm saying the courting ritutals are getting blurred because now sex is easy to find, and get, and teenagers run around half naked after dark without their parents being the wiser, sexting and having orgies and experimental whatevers and finding themselves far earlier in their youth than they used to. So now a guy can just show up and a girl's got her mouth on his cock. Now, maybe that girl is submissive. But, maybe that guy is just lazy, and deep down he's looking for a girl who demands he get on the floor and suck her nubbin.
What I wish for are that more men work harder to receive the attention of a woman, and that they treasure such attention more.
What I wish for are that more men work harder to receive the attention of a woman, and that they treasure such attention more.
Do as you're told, my dear boy (I promise you'll like it, very much)
This has been percolating in the back of my mind because I only in the past year or so began to realize I had dominance urges. I didn't really articulate them like that in my mind. Because in weird ways, as I mentioned, I had the elektra thing going, I wanted to find a man worthy of dominating me, and then I'd submit. But along the way as I experimented, I found myself doing things like tying up and spanking my lovers. Or forcing them to bathe in a tub before we'd have a night together, and I'd literally wash him myself, because I didn't trust him to do it properly. And the men would be surprised and confused - because women don't apparently offer this to them. I didn't offer it I just told them what to do. And they did it. And enjoyed it.
After first hesitation, they sink down into the tub and they marvel. They are aroused, and flushed, and like a dewy rose all blooming. Lips turn pouty and eyes turn languid, and they close their eyes as I run the water through their hair. I ask them if they've been naughty today, did they masturbate, and what did they think about, and how often did they do it. Or, I command them to be silent, while I do the talking, and I just listen to them breathe and surrender.
It's deeply gratifying, to have someone instantly do as you tell them. Perhaps I am a Domme waiting to flourish, who knows. But all this is leading to a story ... I have a few random images in my mind, nothing concrete yet ... of a woman and her boy, and his very thorough and explicit surrender to her domination.
- Mira
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